What Do You Want Me To Say?

Let's reflect on my life and how crazy it seems right now.

Every once in a while, I get in a mood that is totally unexplainable and pointless and depressing. It's like one moment I'm feeling great and all smiles and everything, and then someone just snaps their fingers and I feel like crap. The trigger is normally something small, but over something that I've been thinking about for a while, and it gets me in this mood because it was something that I wasn't hoping for or completely unexpected. No real reason.

I haven't found a better reason to deal with this other then to write out my dilemma. Sure, I can talk to people. I normally pour my heart and soul out to my best friends, but it just makes me feel worse because I now that my problems are pointless. So, if I write them on the internet I have the illusion that people could be reading it, but they still have the option to NOT read it. So alls well. Kinda...

At times, I feel like I'm complaining, and I apologize to everyone for that. Which is why I'm not going to tag people in notes anymore. But I would also like to thank everyone for putting up with me and for everyone's help with certain things. These moods go deeper then little triggers. I have an idea from where they originate, but don't want to share. It's not something that is easy for me to say, and it's not something I like to remember. So, this is something that I'll get to in time.

But, I like to thank everyone for putting up with my crap and problems and randomness. You guys are the greatest.

I would like to point out that the sole reason that musicals exist to make me happy. I don't want to hear if someone doesn't like them, I could care less. The idea of bursting out into random song and dance should be socially excepted in everyday life.

My recent love, is Legally Blonde. MTV aired it this weekend. Immediately following the curtain call, I downloaded the album from iTunes. It is by far, the greatest thing I've listened to since Spring Awakening (another great musical). I like it so much better then the musical. Laura Bell Bundy does a great job playing Elle Woods, but if Reese Whitherspoon was offered the part, I would have loved to see her play it.

I play the album when I walk to campus, and have to keep myself from singing out loud. It's not socially acceptable, yet. Just you wait, America. There should be a day devoted to the many musical lovers, where we can freely sing and dance to our favorite song. =]

I'm just talking to myself, I know. It's not like anyone reads this. But It's nice to have a space where I can express my ideas.

Back to the topic at hand. Today I asked my friend, what his favorite musical is. I got the greatest answer from him; Oliver! It was a first for me. That musical is a great one, but I've never heard an answer like that. It's been a while since I've seen Oliver, so I'll have to YouTube it.

Well, you haven't heard the last of this topic from me. I must be going to bed though... 8am class not fun.

good night musical lovers
and everyone else =]

So, I'm more then half way back to normal. I gave blood the other day and that has really taken a lot out of me, no pun intended. But I had a really bed reaction to it, for some reason, and almost passed out twice. Because of the healthy eating habits of a college student (HA!), and my donation, I had a killer migraine for almost 48 hours. Basically all I did yesterday, besides go to class and an appointment with a professor, was sleep. Therefore got little to none last night :). In addition to my migraine, I'm also sick. That could have something to do with the weather up here and the night game this past Saturday where the Tigers beat the Huskies or whatever Nebraska's mascot is. Honestly, it was the best game I've ever witnessed. Especially being part of the Tiger's Lair, the sole cheering section for the TIGERS! It was amazing!

But I have a head cold that is killing me slowly I've determined. It's slowly moving down to my neck and back, and it seems to like it there. So, from strict orders from Dr. Mom, I'm on the OJ and Vicks for a good while. Yipee! I just have to worry about suffocating my roommate with the aroma.

Something that I'm really excited about is my Theatre class: Stage Movement for the Actor! We are just getting to the good stuff, as my teacher tells us. I don't know if anyone knows about Michael Chekhov, but he essentially a god in the acting community. He's worked with Sir Anthony Hopkins, Yul Brynner, Beatrice Straight, and Marilyn Monroe. He saw her as more then an icon, but an actress after he worked with her. Unfortunately, he died before he could work on her movies with her. Seriously, you should check into this guy! AMAZING! The book is "To The Actor". It's amazing. That's all that I can say. I'm saving to buy the book off of Amazon, just because it's so expensive.

But, my mood is better then it has been. I'm not back to my regular self. But I will be. The blog that I wrote yesterday, I think that I was at my low. It was intense.

I feel as if my writing is getting better. I owe that to my English class here. I mean, I don't know, but I'm reading other posts in the past, and there's a noted difference. I just can't place my finger on it, so if someone could give me their opinion that would be a great help. :)

Well, I knew that it was coming. I have to say I'm proud of myself for going so long not allowing myself to feel a damn thing. It hit me at the worse time, too. MIDTERMS. Actually that isn't the only reason it hit me at the worse possible time.

I've been selfish lately. My sister is going through a though time. She isn't biologically me sister, but best friends tend to grow so close together that they act like sisters. If you catch my drift. People deal with grief in different ways. In the case of my sister, from my point of view it seems she needs to go to other people for support. And I should be fine with that, and for the most part I am, now. Here's where my selfishness comes to play. I would like to make this clear that I am in no way shape or form proud of myself for what I'm about to say. Why I'm I not good enough? That is really what it comes down to. And that is terrible of me to say this because I'm not going through what she is.

Secondly. Well I really don't know how to say this. Selfish act number two. This is the spoiled selfish jealous side of me that comes out every so often and it's sickening to me. "What about me?" "Does anyone care about how I'm feeling?"

So, I did somethings that I'm not proud of. Last weekend was about all I could handle. I went out and it wasn't like I expected. And those things didn't reflect who I was as a person.

But what is so sickening to me is that, so many other things are happening to other people in my life... to my friends...and I'm suppose to feel happy, and sad, and concerned, and do stuff for this person and help out there. All these feelings are conflicting and any normal person would spontaneously combust into a million pieces. So, instead I hear my mom's voice in my head: "Grow up, Sam. Come on. Get over your self It's not the end of the world. Ect." And that gets me through the day.

Until yesterday. I wrote a note a couple of days ago. "Eh". This kinda explains the certain things that have been happening that I've been stressing over. Well, yesterday I went to go give blood with Jenny. I was able to give it., and was happy that I was able to do my part for humanity. Yay me, right? Well, I felt like crap getting up this morning. I've had a headache since last night... it's turned into a migraine now (oh yes it's still here). I've been calling my mom asking about what I should do. It's the most that I've called her in one week.

Every time that I call her, she is, do I dare say, nice on the phone. This sounds worse than what I mean. You have to first understand my mother. She is the tough love mom, and while that is frustrating, it works for her. But, it's been weird.

That's were my homesickness is coming into play now. I feel guilty feeling this way. At a time that I feel like soooo many people need me, that I need my mom. That's when I hear her voice in my head again. "Come on, Sam you can tough it out. Grow up and out of it." But on closer examination, it's not my mom's voice. It's mine.

I would like to write a note about the expression "eh".

I've been using this expressive feeling a lot lately.... about seventy thousand times last night, right Jon?

Well, I've decided to look into why I would be feeling "eh"-ie lately. .....


Hmmmmm....

Well.....

I'm ......

Ah........

You see......

I have no clue. I'm completely lost in "eh" and have no idea how I got here or how to get out..... and...... do I dare say that I like it here?

Misery loves company, so I guess I love Misery. The wonderful world of "eh", maybe I'll have a cup of coffee and discuss politics and current events with Misery. I hate coffee and politics and some current events, so talking to Misery will add to the festivities! Yay!

Maybe Misery will make me face the very reason why I'm in "eh", oh won't that be barrels of fun! Golly Moses, I can't wait. Then afterwards maybe I'll get over myself, and things will be back to normal. Gee wouldn't that be swell. Well, I'll be back when that happens, until then all you have is the replacement Sam, the bitchy-selfish-feeling-sorry-for-herself-version, and I apologize for leaving her with everyone. I'll be back, when I sort this on going battle in my head.

I've never felt more alone then I do right now.

I believe that I have about 83 days and counting until my last day of school, and about 93 days until graduation. And that's including weekends, breaks, and holidays. Soon, I'll be at Mizzou, with my best friend rooming together. True, that they say that you shouldn't dorm with friends because it could potentially damage or ruin their relationship. But I'm, no, we're determine not to let that happen. We've been through to much to let 13-14 years of friendship go down the drain.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a scholarship fair. Hopefully earn some money for the expensive education that has never been completed by my immediate family. I will be the first of my siblings to head off to the great adventure, which is so scary! Being the oldest is so tough! But I'm proud of it.

I finally figured out, well kinda, what I want to major in. My choices are Theater, Communications (I would like to be one of those Home Shopping Network personalities), or Journalism. Thank God I narrowed my choices! I swear I was the most paranoid and confused student in the world. I'm still paranoid, but not as confused. I have about seven scholarship deadlines approaching by the end of the month... shit that's about five days away!!!!! AHHHHHHH!

Well, I had time for a little R&R with Jenny today. We went to the CBC production of High School Musical. It wasn't bad, but I think that I like the movie better. I think that most original productions, in any media, are the best. There are rare exceptions, none come to mind right now, but they're out there. So, Jenny and I got in her car that we clean about five minutes before we had to leave, and cranked up the radio to, you guessed it, High School Musical. Singing at the top of our lungs, we determined that we weren't the only crazy one's and that several other girls (and possibly boys) were doing the same exact thing.

It was ironic that the lead character of Troy, the jock that has a secret talent of singing, was actually the star soccer player. It was his first musical, ever. He didn't have a bad voice either, but lacked stage presents and emotion. Gabby, Sharpay, and Ryan were amazing, as well as the Drama teacher. It was good. But I swear, if my school had the funds for a good stage and equipment (there's the St. Louis Public Schools for you... which is sad because we are a performing arts school) we would have been awesome. But, noooo, we got stuck with The Music Man. Grrr.

Well there is a lot to do tomorrow, so I'm going to go. See ya!
Peace and Love!

------------------------------------by Sammie --------------------------------------------
I wrote this in College Algebra. It's just something that I wanted to express.

The little things that make life good----

* A good-night's sleep

* The warmth of blankets wrapped around you on a cold winter's night

* A smile from a cute boy

* Protective arms around you

* Being the person to put protective arms around

* A baby's laugh AND smile

* The feeling of accomplishment and the "I-can-do-anything" attitude after a run

* A simple kiss

* Having something or someone to believe in

* Being the person that someone believes in

* Seeing a good deed being done

* Knowing someone cares for you

* Caring about someone

* Watching the sunrise/sunset


If you read this and find yourself thinking of someone, call them. It might make someone's day a little better.

REMEMBER:

Life has it's ups and downs,
but it's the little things that make it good!

***** If anyone has anything thing to add, please comment it below. Thanks!**


P.S. I didn't put friends in this because I consider friends to be the BIGGEST and BEST part of life. Just thought you'd like to know.
-----------------Sammie-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What has been going through my mind in the pass 3 hours?: What the hell am I gonna do now that I'm 18 and why do I like this guy?

The first question is easy... get a tattoo (lol), go to college in the fall, make decisions that could and probably will affect my life in the long run, and then be willing to accept the responsbility of my decisions and actions, not having mommy and daddy hold my hand through life. A few things that I need to do before the end of the month: get a job, get my lisense, get a checking account, apply for scholarships, and save the majority of my money for college.

*** I saved this as a draft a while ago... I don't even remember it. But I'm posting it anyway, even if it is a incomplete thought.****

So I haven't been able to post anything in a while, because my school finally blocked this website. What is up with that? The description on the blocking is PERSONAL PAGES. What the hell? Anyway...

Where has the time gone? Christmas is coming, and it hasn't completely sunk in yet. Seriously, it has came by so fast that I don't feel or see the Christmas Spirit in myself, or at the Mall. However the displays of Christmas Lights have seemingly increased over the past year.

I miss my Mom. She is in Huston this year with her family. I told her she must go down, because she needed to get out of the house. She has become very... very routine. She will only go out of the house if she must, not just to for the hell of it. She goes to work, grocery shopping, library, or runs other tasks only if she must. It's sad. She is afraid to do anything by herself, so this trip is a big deal to her. But, other than that, she needed to see her brothers and sisters, that haven't all been in the same room together in 20 years or so.

Unfortunately, she couldn't afford tickets for all of us. I would have loved to go with her. But I'm proud of her for making the trip down there by herself. I miss her though. So sue me. I selfishly want my mother here to be with on Christmas Eve (since we normally spend Christmas Day with my dad.) We didn't even put decorations up. I'm not really looking forward to spending the week with my dad at my grandparents house, which is why I hope to keep as busy as possible.

I'm at my Best Friends house right now. Tomorrow I'm going to La Pasda Mass with her and my second family, her mom and dad. I have no idea what to wear!!! Oh well. But I'm gonna go.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Happy Holidays
and
Have a Great New Year!!!

Peace and Love.

When life hand's you lemon's, make lemonade... right? That's always what I've been told. But lately, I've found it really hard to have that positive outlook on life. Right know life has really got me down. Really, really down. Things have been moving fast, everything is in a whorl.

Between several after school activities, waiting for college acceptance letters, almost reaching adult-hood, not having any form of income, and coping with messes with family and friends, my plate is full with a lot of crap. And it's even harder to make lemonade with crap.

I coping with this mess, I've decided to write several script-writes and a book. Yes, I've decided to add to my pile of crap, several other projects that I couldn't hope to finish. Again, this makes it harder to make lemonade.

Well I think that is enough of my ramblings for today.
Bye

Can anyone tell me what the actor's worst nightmare could be? Anyone? Anyone at all? Let me tell you... TYPED-CASTED!!!!!!

I hate always having to play the adult, the authority figure! I got the part of the teacher in GREASE, and I'm pretty sure I'll get the part of the mother in PSYCHO BEACH PARTY. Why can't I get the part of the movie star, or the best friend.

You see, the thing about typecasting is that once you are typed casted, it's really hard to get out of the stereo-typed role that you have accommodated for yourself!!! It really sucks. And I'm a good actor.

Today I was auditioning and, he asked me to read my lines like a 40-year old women would!! What the #%!&!!! I hate doing this. When I was in grade school I did other roles. I had to be a crazy person, a stupid person, a played a dog owner and the sequence of events that she had to go through to get the dog out for a walk. I can't believe this school!!! AHHHGGGGRRRRR!!! I don't like this at all!

I'm so ready for college. I can't wait until I live in a dorm with my
BEST-EST FRIEND in the whole world, staying out late at night, going to parties, being my own supervision... it's going to be heaven. Well, I guess for the most part.

Friday the National Honor Society is holding a blood drive, and I'm planning on donating. Yep, that is if they take me.

I'm not Senior Class President. Neither is my friend. The third person running got the job. We're kinda upset... wait. Back-up, REALLY upset. Not as much as we were last week. But I'm still going to try and be much of an asset to the class of 2007.

Wednesday. Wednesday was the best pre-Thanksgiving celebration ever! I was with J.A.C.K.S [an acrimen for Jenny, Allie, Chealse, Kelly and Sammie... ME!) and Maria. We hung at the mall. We know the Mall was soo 90's, but we haven't been to the Mall to hang in a long time. Plus it's always fun with those girls. After that, we met up with Jen's boyfriend, Nick, and his friend and went to the park. Yep, there's is nothing like playing in the park at 8:00 night. We played football, and tied. It was amazing!!!

Thrusday I ate until I couldn't move. Again in a state of bliss, until I got sick all weekend. Now I can't stand the sight of food.

Friday and Saturday I went to football games. CBC vs. Blue Spring in the high school State Championships. CBC lost:(. And the second football game was the Mizzou vs. KU game at Mizzou. The Tigers kicked ass!!! [For those who don't know Mizzou is my future college of choice.] It was, agian, AMAZING!!!

Well that's all the time I have for today.
So long.

So, today the senior's are voting for the class officer's. Like I mentioned before, I'm running for president and I'm so nervous. I'm more worried about the fact on what will happen between me and my friend. I'm sure that it will be okay, I'm just parinoid. Very parinoid.

But I will continue my squence of events that has happen last week...

THRUSDAY... continued.... A dreamlike fog surrounds the picture, as the music cues...

I'm sitting there writing my speech that I have been trying to write for a whole week. A whole WEEK, and I can finally sit down and write it with ease. Whether or not this is a good thing, I don't have time to decide because, the first canidate is up and giving her speech. She had a good speech. Great! I told myself, now I have to top that. She had a lot of good ideas.

But when I got up there, I did great. I kinda got a standing ovation. But then up came my friend. She was really nervous and doesn't like speaking in public. She didn't do good, and I felt really bad.

But that day was done and FRIDAY came and went.

SATURDAY....
Saturday was when I was to hang out with Jenny, Nick, and Bill. But Bill couldn't come because of his dad, which was true. Nick had told me that my chances with Bill were really slim because he kinda was seeing someone else and like this girl more, which is understandable because we never hanged out before. But later that night Jenny told be he had a date with her later that night. They were going to a play. A PLAY! He likes to go to plays. I almost cried. But didn't. Someday I'll find that someone who will go to plays with me.

But you can't help who you like, even if they are assholes... ahem... Chase... We learn from our mistakes I guess.

*Bell rings back in present day and the dreamlike fog and music fade away*

Well that's about it for today. Thrusday is Thanksgiving and that will be fun. We having dinner with my Mom, but I think later that night we're going with my dad. So I be on, if not tomorrow, this weekend to give the low down to the zero people that read this. Oh well.

PEACE AND LOVE!

I'm very, very, very busy. Nothing that I can't handle, of course, because I prefer to work under pressure. I love the adrenline rush. Well, let me fill you in on what has happen over the last week. (Wow, now that I think of it a lot has happen!)Well I don't have much time, crap!

Um I guess I'll start on Thrusday.

THRUSDAY: *cue dreamy music as the picture comes up in a hazy, dreamlike fog*
There I was, sitting in the theatre listening to Larry, our Josten's rep. talk about invitations and caps and gowns. I was listening as best as I could becase I was hastily writing down my speech.... *back in her seat, the bell rings*

Sorry, the story of my week will have to continue tomorrow.
Until then.

Well, I broke up with Chase last night, and I feel great. I ALMOST feel bad for liking someone else and then breaking up with him, but I don't because he called me a bitch. Not to my face, but he told my friend yesterday, I guess at lunch.

According to Nick, and I quote... "I think I might break up with Sam. She's a bitch and never lets me have any fun." I was talking about breaking up with him all weekend, and was hoping that maybe he'd break up with me so I didn't feel bad. But after I heard that, I was like screw you, too.

But I couldn't bring myself to be the bitch that I wanted to be, and the attituded that he deserved. SO... I had asked him why we together, because we don't ever talk about anything and really, if you think about it, have nothing in common. So it ended on good terms, I guess.

I found out that he was a little sad. Probably that he knew that he wasn't getting any from me.

I knew that he was a big asshole, but still went out with him. But, it was a mistake that I needed to learn from, and it ended well, thank God. Something good even came out of it, but I don't want to say anything else about that... just yet. :)

Jenny and Nick are two of the greatest friends a girl could ask for! Because of them I found the courage to say "so long, asshole!" and "Hello, I'm Sam."

Well that all for now! I'll keep you posted on future events.

Today is the day when my brother turns 14!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!!!!

I'm sitting at the computer not exactly sure how to start. I'm running for senior class president against my friend. She just found out today, when I found out I was eligble. I was planning to tell her as soon as I turned my paper in. But I never did. I was a chicken. Now she is more upset with the fact that I didn't tell her that I was running, then me actually running. I'm really mad at my friends for convicting me to run when appartently she been planning to be officer since freshman year.

I feel really bad. I know, well almost know, that if she was me, she would have told me right away and not trip of it so much.

Now on the other hand, I feel that I'm also qualified to do the job. And this is going to sound so bitchy, but I need to say it because I'll feel better. She is already President of National Honor Society. To me that isn't fair.

Now, haveing said that, I hope we remain friends, but I also hope that she realizes that she isn't being fair, for the meer fact that she is already incharge of NHS.

However she is just as qualified as I am. In that aspect she to deserves a chance for running. Why does God throw out these trails and tribulations? I already know the answer to that question, but it made me feel better.

My friend is one of my great friends, I for the most part I've been a good friend I think too. So I hope she isn't mad for long and we can move on.

Today, I was walking down the hall, and it hits me- it always hits me walking down the hall- but I'm a Senior. Now this has happened more then once. I guess it's because it hasn't sunk in yet.

And this is going to sound retarded, and just like another dumb blonde coment- but I was closing my locker and thinking, what if we didn't have lockers? Or locks on our lockers? Now that I'm going over it again, it really does sound stupid. I was thinking about how important it was to have lockers.

I think I'm so retarded to just think of the randomest stuff in the world. Honestly.

WELL, it's time to go. So I'm going to leave with a song...

DON'T GO CHANGE 'N'/ TO TRY AND PLEASE ME
AND I DON'T KNOW THE REST OF THE WORDS/ MMM-MM-M-MMM-MM

In case you haven't noticed, I'm completely nuts!!!

Peace and LOVE!

Homecoming was not as bad as I thought. I wasn't great either, but I got to spend time with Chase, so it was all good. He isn't much of a dancer, so I didn't get out on the floor. I didn't want to leave him there all alone, and I was a little scared that someone might say something to him. I kinda wish that I did go out on the dance floor at least once and releive all the energy that I had.

My title today is a little long if you hadn't notice. That's because reciently I've felt like a senior more and more. It sometimes just hits me at the weirdest times. I have a countinue-ation tomorrow because there's the bell.

Bye!